Sign outside a riding stable:
"We have big horses for big folks, small horses for small folks, slow horses for people who like to ride slow, and for folks who have never ridden before, we have horses who have never been ridden."

You Know You are A Real Horse Person When...

• you change lanes while driving and your "inside" leg moves to apply pressure.
• you click to your dog.
• you click to your friends.
• your daughter's birth announcement reads: "it's a filly!"
• you've taught your dog to longe.
• there is at least one saddle in your living room.
• you wonder if Hoofmaker doubles as a moisturizer.
• while jogging, your "inside" leg extends farther to help you balance.
• you think the 5th fairway would make a great galloping lane.
• while walking your dog, you hold the leash like a rein.
• you post over speed bumps.
• you half-halt your dog while out walking.
• you explain to your child's pediatrician that you knew the child was sick because he was off his feed.
• you show up in city clothes dressed for appointments and when you get there people reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
• you're trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
• no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...but that's ok because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them, anyway!
• your spouse does something nice for you and you say "good boy" or "atta girl" and pat him/her on the neck.
• your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more then you love him and you answer: "And your point is?"
• you are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food.
• you consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
• you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car.
• you plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to your dressage instructor for training during the eighth and ninth months.
• you dress like a lawyer on weekdays and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off.
• you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.
• you seriously consider trading your 1996 Buick for a 1988 Diesel crewcab dually pickup truck, even swap.
• you realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.
• your trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me"to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
• you say "whoa" to the dog.
• you say "whoa" to your kids.
• you say "whoa" to your truck.
• your spouse brings the new saddle to bed so it can be worked on it while watching TV.
• you see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
• your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
• you put a gun rack in your pickup truck to carry dressage whips and riding crops.
• for once you have extra money to buy yourself something, and you get the check out counter and decide that you don't really need that shirt anyway. That $25 could be an entry fee!
• the real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for, and you say, "More than six acres."
• you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!!!"
• you actually like all horse items, any horse items, regardless of execution.
• you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
• you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you so much.
• your horse gets more compliments for grooming than you do.
• you've considered moving into the barn, since it is cleaner than the house.
• your spouse hangs around the barn hoping to get a massage when you've finished on your horse.
• you go to the museum with a non-horsy friend and, whilst wandering through the ancient bronzes, suddenly realize he is asking exasperatedly, 'Well? What about the conformation on this one?"
• you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
• you can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.
• you leave work feeling stiff, tense, with a stomach- or headache, and all those feelings disappear the minute you go through the first gate to the ranch.
• you hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse.
• you spend a lot of $ on a trip to Europe and end up spending most of your time watching horses.
• you chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.
• the concept of sleeping in on the weekends has long since faded from your memory.
• you don't have to be asked by your non-horsy family what you want for Christmas anymore...they now get their own horse catalogs.
• you keep a spare curb chain in your purse for emergencies.
• the family photos are in the bedroom; the horse photos in the den.
• the board check is paid before any other bill.
• your instructor and vet are the only non-family on your speed-dial.
• you always have new foal pictures in your wallet.
• the photo Christmas cards feature the horses.
• you have memorized the addresses of your breed association and AHSA.
• you've spent so much time at the boarding stable that people think you're the maintenance man.
• you wear NASCAR baseball caps to horse shows so people won't ask you questions that you can't answer.
• you coax your horse into the trailer with a carrot, give him a bite, and walk out finishing it yourself. (family germ theory apparently extends to horses).
• You know you're a hunter/jumper/etc. when...
• every log / yard fence / flower garden / etc. looks like a good fence.
• your dog jumps something and you sigh, "her knees were uneven!"
• you count how many steps (strides) you take in between the cracks in the sidewalk, the shadows of trees, etc.
• you count strides to the beat of the music in your car and pretend that the telephone poles are the jumps.

The Horse Dictionary

Arena:Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking:Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail:Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer:Mobile cave bear den.
Jump:An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. 
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections. 
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

Horse Sales Terminology Translated

BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.

NICELY STARTED:  lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.

TOP SHOW HORSE:  won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.

HOME BRED:  knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.

BIG BONED:  good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.

NO VICES:  especially when he wears his muzzle.

BOLD:  runaway.

GOOD MOVER:  runaway.

ATHLETIC:  runaway.

NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER:  runaway.

SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS:  currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.

WELL MANNERED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.

PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.

RECENTLY VETTED:  someone else found something really wrong with this horse.

TO GOOD HOME ONLY:  not really for sale unless you can 
            1) Pay twice what he is worth
            2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.

EXCELLENT DISPOSITION:  never been out of the stall.

CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS:  clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME:  rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.

QUIET:  dead (almost).

SPIRITED:  psychotic.

WELL BRED:  mother and father are also brother and sister!

COLOR IS BLACK:  brown and/or dirty.

ANY VET CHECK WELCOME:  Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!

SUITS EVENTING:  no brakes.

SUITS DRESSAGE:  no accelerator.

Murphy's Horse and Mule Laws

• 1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
• 2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
• 3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
• 4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks, and need the vet at least once a month.
• 5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
• 6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
• 7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
• 8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
• 9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
• 10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
• 11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
• 12. If a horse is advertised as "under $5000" you can bet he isn't $2500.
• 13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
• 14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
• 15. You can't run a barn without bailing twine.
• 16. Hoof picks migrate.
• 17. Wind velocity increases in proportion to how well your hat fits.
• 18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
• 19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
• 20. If you're winning, quit.

BITS OF COWBOY WISDOM

"The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to suggest he is too old for it."
"Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain't talking."
"Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly."
"One good sharp knife is worth two of almost anything else, except women and horses, of course."
"Never trust a man who agrees with you. He's probably wrong."
"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, best take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."
"Always feed your horses and take time for your friends."
"A man on foot is no man at all."
"A good horse is never a bad color."
"A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of aces."
"If you can't squat with your spurs on, you ain't a real cowboy."
"Learn to speak kind words--nobody resents them."
"I am what I want to be."
"Careful is a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence."
"Always ride the horse in the direction it's going."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Don't wear woolly chaps in sheep country during the breeding season."
"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook."
"It ain't so much a matter of not knowing, as it is a matter of knowing so much that ain't so."
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much." --John Wayne
"One thing I'll say fer the West is that in this country there is more cows and less butter, more rivers and less water, and you can look farther and see less than in any other place in the world."--Anonymous Rancher
"A man is not born a cowboy; He becomes one."
"Its a mistake to drive black cattle in the dark."
"Some people grin and bear it. Other people smile and change it."
"An old timer is a man who's had a lot of interesting experiences -- some of them true."
"Every cowboy thinks he knows more than every other cowboy. But the only thing they all know for sure is when's payday and where's grub." --LLRoyster
"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around, we use our fingers." --Will Rogers
"The dog is the protector and friend of every person in the earth." --Crow Proverb
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please." --Mark Twain
"You raise kids, dogs, and horses all the same."--Ray Farmer